Yes, as you can probably tell from the title of this post, I am bisexual.
It took me quite a while to fully realise this, but i’ll explain that later. But what this means is that I’ve told very few people so far (and yes I do know that I’m posting this on the internet where anyone can see). The first two people I told where my mum and sister, I told them in the car back from the train station when I was home for reading week. I just had a burning feeling within me that if I didn’t tell them right now, it would just be awkward as I would be hiding something from them, and I didn’t want that. The next person I told was my Gran, as a she is jointly the most important person in my life along with my mum and sister, I told her when I was driving us to a supermarket (I know I picked an odd time). Needless to say they reacted how I thought they would, they all said they still loved me of course as all they have ever wanted is for me to be happy, and it doesn’t matter who that is with. But they all wanted to know what made me realise that I was bisexual, and that is a longer story.
Ok, so I knew from an early age that I defiantly liked boys, and I was also taught from a young age what gay and straight were, though not bisexual…So I naturally presumed that as I liked guys I must be straight and for years I just basically wrote off any feelings I had about girls as me just ‘admiring their beauty’ but not actually having a crush on them.
The first time I definitively remember hearing the word bisexual was in regards to my uncle (I call him my uncle but actually he is my step granddads brother). Any way I learnt that he was bisexual, and I had always just presumed he was straight as I knew he used to be married to a woman, I never realised that the majority of his relationships had been with men. But again I still didn’t apply this term to myself as I remember for some reason I had thought that being bisexual meant liking men and women equally. So I still thought of myself as straight.
As far as I am aware there was not one specific thing that made me suddenly come to the realisation that I am bisexual, but rather a mixture of things. One was learning more about my uncles romantic history by him telling me stories about it, including one for years he thought that he was gay, until he was able to realise that he intact liked women also. On top of this when I moved up to sixth form I made friends with a girl who was bisexual, and they way she would mention it so casually helped me to understand it didn’t have to be a big deal (she is also the first girl that I am 100% sure that I had a crush on, I know there are others but because it didn’t recognise them as crushed they are harder to remember). And I also believe seeing characters that are openly bisexual on tv programs and reading about them in books really helped for the realisation of my sexuality to click in my head.
So yes, for about two and a half years before this (the start of sixth form) I was thinking that maybe I am bisexual, but I still wasn’t 100% sure. And I also think I thought my life would be so much easier if I just kept on calling myself straight. I mean I’ve never experience homophobia or biphobia, I’ve never been told that I’m ‘sick’ for loving someone, I’ve never had people ask me awkward questions about my sexual life just based on the gender of my partner, and I’ve never had friends or family members distance themselves from me based purely on who I love. And that scared me. I mean if I was to put my feelings into percentages I would say I like guys around 70% and girls 30%. So in my mind I thought that I could just go my whole life pretending I was straight and still be happy.
But I did more and more research into bisexuality and the LGBTQ+ community in general, who I’ve always considered myself an ally of, and over time I can to realise that was something I wanted. I’m not saying that you any less part of the community if you are not out, but I just wanted to be actively part of it and to be honest I was just getting a bit sick of not talking to anyone about the way I feel, so I decided I had to tell someone. I know I’ve only told three people so far, but those three are the most important to me and their love of me matters the most. I will tell more people, but I have some family members who I’m really not sure of how they are going to react. They often do thing like use they word gay in an offensive way, make generalisations about anyone who is not straight and are very conservative in their views. I don’t think they will disown me or anything, I’m just not sure that at the minute I can deal with their mocking comments that they don’t mean to harm me with, but that do.
At some point I am planning to tell my friends, particularly the ones I am living with next year, but the issue I’m having is how to casually bring up sexuality in a conversation, as I really don’t want to make a big deal out of it as I think it will make it awkward, but I do want to tell them. It’s silly because I know one of my friends is bisexual, and I haven’t even told her because I just don’t know how! I guess it’s just hard revealing part of yourself that for years you didn’t think existed or just shoved to one side.
Overall I am really happy since telling my mum, sister and Gran. It’s strange but I just feel as if I have more freedom in who I am now, and that is a very exciting thought.